04 December 2015
Hello, my name is...
In case you don't already know DH and I are trying to have children. It's not happening naturally so, we went to see why. Well, long story short-I don't ovulate. So there is nothing to fertilize there.
I am effectively barren. Like Sarai and Elizabeth in the Bible. I wonder how they felt over the years. Did they cry like I have? Did they blame someone else? Did they ask God what they did wrong? I know that everyone has different responses to things that happen in their lives.
Me, I've chosen to draw closer to God. I've cried and screamed, but in the end I have chosen to give it up to God. He knows best. And maybe we will never have biological children. That's ok too. We are looking into adopting, but we can't be doing the reproductive medicine and be trying to adopt at the same time. I think I'm going to do one, maybe 2 more months of this and then I'll be done. I'm not sure that my heart can take these people telling me that we have to do something else, some other drug, and on some other day. Some of them treat me like I don't understand when I just hang my head after I have found out that it, again, has not happened for us. My DH seems to bear it better than I. But, then again he's not the one on the hormone medications either.
We know that Sarai laughed when the Lord told her that she was with child. At 90 years old, God gave her a child. She lived to be 127, so it happened in God's time, not hers. But, she must have become bitter to laugh at God! I believe that I would have felt the same as she did.
I gave my burdens to the Lord, because they were too heavy. But, because I am human sometimes I try to snatch them our of His hands, like an impatient child. I am learning to depend on Him fully and completely.
I busy myself with quilt making, minimizing my life, and phasing out chemicals and trying to lead a healthier and more natural life. But, in the back of my mind I'm always wondering...will I ever? These are some verses that I hold close to my heart when I am feeling hopeless. Because there is hope in God and I can depend on Him.
"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior and my hope is in you all day long. "
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds. "
"I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. There my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in hope. For you will not leave my soul in Sheol, nor will you allow your Holy One see corruption. You will show me the path of life, in Your Presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
I am going back on my birthday, to see if anything has developed enough to go to phase 3, but I am choosing happiness, I am choosing to listen to the whispers of God.
I'm not sure if you have ever heard of the song "Hello, my name is..." by Matthew West.
But, one of the verses really defines how I am feeling right now, and the reason that this post is titled thusly. These are the lyrics, I've included the whole song so you can understand the progression. Also, if you've never heard it give it a listen on youtube. I've underlined the verse that I'm feeling. But, the part after that verse is where I am striving so hard to be. Because I am a child of the one true King!